


Peter Is Not The World's Most Self-Aware Person

by Ann_Drist



Category: White Collar
Genre: Comedy, El is dying for a threesome to happen, Farce, Fluff, Humor, Like a Sex Comedy but no one is having any sex, Misunderstandings, Multi, Neal keeps waiting for Peter to make a move, Peter is unaware of all the sexual tension, Sexual Frustration, wacky misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 21:31:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14723940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ann_Drist/pseuds/Ann_Drist
Summary: Neal Caffery has been known to get under Peter Burke's skin. While at work, Agent Peter Burke tries to reign in his annoyance and resolve differences with an air of professionalism. Off-hours, he's maaaybe a bit more petty and vindictive than he would otherwise be. El can't help noticing certain trends and undercurrents in the way Peter deals with Neal. Peter has no idea what his wife finds so amusing. Neal has never been so sexually frustrated in his life.





	1. Crate

Elizabeth came home one evening to find Satchmo whining. “What’s wrong, baby?”

She rounded the corner and stopped in her tracks. No wonder the dog was upset. Neal was in Satchmo's crate. 

El chuckled and crouched down. “Has someone been a bad puppy?” she asked, using her babies-and-animals voice.

Neal rolled his eyes. “Can you talk to him? I barely fit in here. I’m worried my suit is going to tear.” 

Peter walked in from the kitchen and scratched Satchmo behind the ears. “Only good boys get to come out of the crate.” 

El sputtered with laughter. Neal continued to sulk. 

“He knows why he’s in there,” Peter said. He left. Satchmo trotted after him. 

Neal gave El a long-suffering look. “Can you tell your husband that if he wants to keep locking me in dog crates, he needs to buy the next size up?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Future chapters will not be chronological or follow a fixed plot. This work is going to be a series of episodic vignettes much like this first chapter.  
> Disclaimer: I don't have a planned update schedule or additional chapters locked and loaded. Don't make the mistake of expecting frequent updates.  
> Additional disclaimer: the tension of the plot relies on Peter's obliviousness, El's sexual frustration, and Neal's fraying patience in waiting for Peter to make the first move. Once those are resolved the story is over, so look elsewhere for hawt threesome action. The rating of this story will probably remain the same.
> 
> All that talk abt what this fic won't be aside, hope you liked it for what it is! :D


	2. Wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner with the Burkes has become a regular occurrence, but they’re still working the kinks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neal Caffrey is a fancy boy.

It really put Peter’s nose out of joint when Neal brought a nice bottle of wine from June’s cellar to dinner. 

“She gave it to me on my way out the door!” 

“Well, obviously she wanted you to be a good guest. But you’re a grown man, Neal, you should be able to pick up a bottle of wine yourself. And as a _reformed con artist_ who’s supposed to be adjusting to _clean living_ on a _modest government paycheck_ —” 

Neal exhaled through gritted teeth. “This is why I never try to do anything nice for you.” 

“Honey.” El stepped between the men and put a hand on Peter’s arm. “You know, with my job, this is a problem I deal with a lot. Clients with very elevated taste often need to make events happen on a budget. Neal, why don’t you come along with me the next time I go wine shopping, and I’ll introduce you to some budget-friendly options that don’t sacrifice taste.” 

Neal made a face at the phrase “budget-friendly,” but noticed the pointed look Peter was giving him. He put on a smile. “That would be lovely. Thank you, El.” 

She beamed. “Great, it’s settled.” 

El took Neal by the arm and walked him off to the kitchen to open the wine. Peter could still hear snippets of their conversation. 

“So this place you shop at, do they do wine tastings?” 

“On the weekends, usually.” 

“Do they have spit-buckets?” 

“It is not going to taste so bad that you have to spit it out! You’ll be surprised at how good a lot of wines are in the fifteen-to-twenty dollar range. Even around the ten dollar mark—”

“Nothing less than ten dollars a bottle touches these lips.”

“Seriously?”

“I have to draw the line somewhere, El.” 

 

 

Later that week, Neal stepped out of El’s car and goggled. “You drove me out to the suburbs to shop for wine at a _warehouse_?” 

“It’s Total Wine! They have a great selection.” 

Neal pointed towards the shop front and sputtered. “There are people pushing _shopping carts_ into the store, El. I don’t shop for wine at places that have shopping carts!” 

El looped her arm through his and pulled it along. “You do now.” 

Neal made indignant noises. 

El patted his arm soothingly. “I’ll push the shopping cart, sweetie.” 

 

 

After tasting the wines available for sampling, El left Neal to browse while she shopped for an upcoming event. He was just finishing chatting with a clerk when she rolled up with a cart full of wine bottles. 

“Any luck so far?” 

“I’ve seen some stuff I like, but nothing under the twenty dollar mark. Which, if Peter’s gonna be happy about it, is where I feel like I need to be.” 

Neal stepped into the next aisle. “Guy I was just talking to told me I should have some luck with lower-priced wines on these shelves—” He cut himself off and picked up a bottle. He smirked. “Hey, El, remember what we were talking about the other night?” 

El peered over his shoulder and giggled when she read the label. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After putting everyone's expectations for updates at rock-bottom here I am adding a second chapter in the same day! What can I say, I do my best work when no one has any expectations of me lolsob. 
> 
> What wine did Neal find? Why was El giggling? Will this fic become sponsored by Total Wine? Stay tuned to find out! Chapter 3 will be published...sometime.
> 
> (Also I guess some of the episodic chapters will be more linear that others; I am quite clearly winging it with this fic I am an Artist and I just allow myself to be carried where the inspiration takes me.)


End file.
